Happy Easter Mother Fuckers!!!

Well it's finally here. My fucking holiday. I just wanted to give a quick thank you letter to all my fucking followers at the Bunny Ranch. You hookers make the Earth go round. So after hours of sex, violence and penicillin injections I just want to say you have all earned a spot in heaven. Also, I didn't forget about the rest of you fuckers so as tribute to all those that follow me, I wanted to give you all a personal thanks.

1. Emilio Estevez - I never snort that much coke with another man before. After a hour of that you started looking like Molly Ringwald. 
2. K.D. Lang - Your career makes me laugh.
3. All the Strippers at The Gold Club - Your morale's are no existent, and you pussies are abused. You're all so beautiful to me
4.  Miley Cyrus - So much heroin so little time. Thanks for letting jack off in your used socks. 

Easter isn't just about Chocolate, jelly beans and blow jobs...well the blow job part is. It's about Jesus rising from the grave. Nah not really. It's mainly about getting blow jobs. Happy fucking Easter you fags!

One day I asked God a simple question. Can you name at least ten individuals that you would be romantically involved with and give a brief explanation as to why? He smiled and gave me the following answers.


1. Nancy Pelosi - Only because I'm the only thing in existence she hasn't fucked in some form or fashion and to be honest, the bitch needs a cock like Charlie Sheen needs rehab.


2. Jake Gyllenhaal - Broke Back Mountain was a gay as I am black, its just not realistic. But watching watching Heath rip that quir a new one aroused my curiosity as well as my loins. Plus since I drugged and fuck Toby McGuire. He's the next best thing.

3. Johnny Depp - Not because he is hot or anything but I just want to give him spiritual HIV and make his insides bleed tree sap. Seriously I caught my angels masturbating to him so now I just want him to suffer.


4. Bea Arthur - Experience with age. Plus since she is dead the bitch won't talk much


5. Vanessa Hudgens - Only because I'm the only dude left from Disney that hasn't fucked her. Yes I was on Disney but left after Britney Spears gave me Herpes...twice. Vanessa is cute with tiny little tits but hey I'd stick my dick in her.


6. Jackie Chan - Always wanted to fuck a Asian guy, and really he poses no threat. He thinks he know Kung Fu but in reality I just make him think he is good. His dick is as tiny as a junior ant lost in a The Shire from Lord of the Rings. And speaking of Lord of the Rings.. number 7 is...


7. Elijah Wood - I'm no fag but watching him and Sam Austin in that movie got my dick so hard that you'd swear I'd mix Extneze with Red Bull and Cocaine. Honestly I could knock one off to those two anytime of the day.


8. Madonna - Probably the ugliest girl in all of Hollywood...need I say more.


9. Ralph Macchio - The first karate kid..he just needs to get good and fucked and by that I mean after I'm done I will kick him in the nuts piss in his mouth and take his wallet and shit in his mouth kick him in the teeth, break his hand, fuck him again, kick his asshole till it swells and make his tongue do the crane kick on my nuts. Lets face it...the boy deserves it!


10. Stacy Keibler - Not only is she smoking hot. Her feet are fucking hot! I would let her into heaven based on just that alone. I'd make soap opera love to that girl. Like slow and easy with candles and all that gay shit. Spill my seed in her love farm and make her tinkle all over my body yes you heard it. God would like Stacy Keibler to piss on his body so I can linger in her fluid.


In all honesty I'm really not a fag, I just like fucking guys. Then don't cry you tell them to leave, they are low maintenance, they don't want to talk about there dying mother, which I hear in prayers all the time...it sickens me truthfully. They are just a good fuck. Now girls are nice to fuck to but you have to put up with their shit as long as you can.

The Real Beatitudes

I talked to God one day about Jesus’s famous speech at the Mount of Olives. We know them as “The Beatitudes.” I needed to see for myself how real the sermon was. God, in all his glory sitting at the bar of the gentleman’s club with some coked out whore on his lap began to explain the whole thing in a very real and bizarre manner that only God can do. Here is God’s explanation.

Not God: First off let’s be very clear about some things that need to be put in context. First off, I was banging some Jewish broad on the end of town and the dude that translated the sermon had turrets syndrome. We thought of curing him one day but turrets is a funny infliction that is really there for my amusement. It’s the same as listening to Cyndi Lauper while huffing WD-40 mixed with Angel dust and used gym socks. It’s just fun. Anyway, here are the beatitudes as they were meant to be said. Oh one more thing Jesus has a way of fucking with people and saying some off the wall shit so it was really all fucked up to begin with any who…the beatitudes:

1.       Blessed are the poor in spirit because those mother fuckers will suck dick for tootsie rolls.

2.       Blessed are those who mourn because I’m the one who causes their pain just to watch them mourn

3.       Blessed are the meek, not really I hate those fuckers

4.       Blessed are those who thirst for justice, it usually because I fucked their daughters…or sons.

5.       Blessed are the merciful, their a dime a dozen like a punch bowl of condoms at a hookers house

6.       Blessed are the pure of heart, they’re the best ones to fuck hard

7.       Blessed are the peacemakers, they made my last hand gun…gold plated 45 mother fucker

8.       Blessed are the poor for they are fucking lemmings made for me to ass fuck while making empty promises of blessings

9.       Blessed are the meek, because they have no fucking clue so they just put shit in their mouth until it hurts

10.   Blessed are those who pray, not really their just fucking dumb

11.   Blessed are those who are ridiculed in my name, because it’s funny to watch someone get their ass kicked all because of the shit I say.

12.   Blessed are the cock hungry sluts for they will inherit my seed...over and over again

13.   Blessed are the sexy women for they can do no wrong if they are hot

14.   Very very I say unto thee, unless your dick is smaller the eye of the needle you will not get into heaven

15.   Blessed are those who cry now, because nine times out of ten I did the hurting.

16.   Blessed are the Jewish girls..they can suck a righteous dick

17.   Blessed are those who snort coke off tits. It just turns me on

There are a few more sayings that Jesus said but honestly none of what he said was really important. He was high most the time.  

Marriage, Liberty & Pepper

After jerking off to a Belladonna porn I decided I was bored and needed to write yet another stupid fucking article for all you fuckers out there. I mean I got more sores on my cock from all this jerking off you’d swear I was dating Christina Aguilera or Byson. So in my boredom and urge to not jizz for another hour I decided to write another fucking article for my peeps out there. Enjoy this bitches….

Pepper, who the fuck cares about it; most likely just Cajuns and Democrats. But seriously it’s a black powder that makes food hotter than what it really needs to be. If you’re going to use for anything, use it on dogs. I not kidding throw that shit in their little puppy dog eyes. Not so cute now are you dumb little fucker? Throwing pepper in the eyes of hot girls is a sport I partake in all the time. Just walk up to the bitch and bam right in the fucking eyes. Like a fucking ninja. Then after she has a fist full of pepper in her eyes kick that bitch in the pussy. See in a matter of five minutes I made pepper funnier than what it is used for. Your welcome America!

Marriage, how fucking stupid is marriage? Seriously, why fucking bother getting married? It’s not like you or her are going to stay faithful. Have you ever walked in on your wife fucking her ex-boyfriend because he is having “relationship” issues? Doesn’t look like the fucker is having that hard of a time now! No it’s never happened to me, I’ve just been the other guy a million times. It really is a bothersome experience. Then the husband gets mad if I finish in the wife’s mouth. Seriously dude, thank me because now she will not have to beg you for it. I think for this point out if you get married I’ll give both participants AIDS. That’s it, AIDS is now reserved for married people! The truth is wives that look like Jessica Alba now, in ten months she’ll look like Mama Fratelli. I mean what the fuck is up with that. You were hot and now you’re ugly and fat because you made the mistake of getting pregnant.

Liberty, it’s for white people and Germans. Really the Jewish tried to start something with the exodus and in all honesty there a race made purely to laugh at. Who the fuck decided genital mutilation is ok? I didn’t say to do that. Fucking dumbasses! I’ve banged enough Egyptians in my time both male and female to know that they have it right. Liberty is for those who deserve it and in my opinion being born white or German you automatically have it.

By the way, you haven’t lived until you have snorted coke off the foot of Miley Cyrus, then finger cuff her with Kevin Spacey! Good job raising that one Billy Ray, your daughter is the slut we all hoped for in life. She can break my achy-breaky cock anytime! Just saying!

One-Liners

After all my time that I spent with God I noticed he has a lot of one-liners that strike me as unique. While some make sense, others are funny and some just make no sense at all and almost seem incoherent. By now my dedicated audience should know that God is an interesting cat. So without further adieux here are the infamous one-liners from god. Rodney Dangerfield would be proud.

1. Ugly girls are as useful as Wal-Mart greeters.

2. Easter is for the religious fags also known as Catholics.

3. Strippers are bred for lies, drama and hours of sexual stupidity.

4. I never trust a girl that doesn’t suck cock.

5. I never trust a guy that doesn’t suck cock.

6. Rabbits are like cell phones….just believe me, they are.

7. I hate water and since you like it so much, you now have AIDS.

8. Don’t spread your stupidity like a hooker spreads the clap on a payday at the shipyard.

9. Terrorist only use IPhone’s. That why they are not that successful.

10. Egypt, Iran, Afghanistan those place are useless…pretty much that side of the earth useless.

11. Mary..I fucked that.

12. Gay’s always have more money because they don’t have kids. Fags are great tithers.

13. Eat a dick.

14. You need to look more Jewish.

15. The only thing accurate in the bible is the copyright.

16. Be lucky you got Jesus, I almost chose Leonardo DiCaprio as the messiah.

17. Live life by the three P’s. Pussy, Party, and Cocaine.

18. I fuck women earth. Get over it..they do.

19. If you want a good joke go to a Pentecostal church.

20. I ass raped yoda.

21. When people pray all I hear is Beaker from The Muppets.

22. I’m not a vending machine of miracles.

Interview Part Deux

In the second part of this shocking interview, I asked God some hard hitting questions that most people ask God at night in their prayers. The answers may shock you and maybe offend you. However, it’s important to know the truth about such subjects from the almighty..

BM: So God now that we know you are real, will there be an Armageddon? And if so how will it happen?

God: Well first off it will not be some fag version of the bible where the devil rides in on gay white horse. My boy Lou doesn’t roll that way. First off I’d pick 7 people and call them the lucky bastards. Then everyone else….fucking zombies! I spoil the food and make it look just like Tron 2. Then I’d make everyone listen to the Black Eyed Peas. Super bowl style!

BM: So how do you feel about abortion? Is it really wrong?

God: Are you kidding me. Before Jesus I aborted 6 fuck up’s myself. Shit I should have David Hasslehoff aborted. That fuck up couldn’t fuck his way out of a porn convention with free Viagra. I think every woman should have at least one. It’s not as bad and if you get the right doctor it’ll tickle you a bit.

BM: So you have made so harsh comments in your article about who makes it into heaven. What about the mentally handicap? Will they make it?

God: You know retards are funny. You give them a ball and watch them fight over it like raccoons in a trash can. I’ve thought about making that shit contagious and setting a few lose in the white house but I figured one retarded president is enough for a generation.

BM: Ok then, are referring to Clinton, the Bush’s or Obama?

God: Yes

BM: Wow the Bushes are claiming to be men of faith. How can you say they are retarded?

God: Please men of faith, there men of faith like I am the talent scout for the Special Olympics. The last president that made me proud was Kennedy. Man anyone who could fuck Marilyn Monroe deserves eternal bliss. Fuck even I tried and failed.

BM: Ok, I think everyone in the universe that has believed in a God has asked this question. (At this point in the interview I could not believe what I saw. God had just urinated on himself) God, did you just piss yourself?

God: Yes, I didn’t feel like getting up and fuck it’s not like I haven’t done it before. I once pissed on myself right in the middle of a Walmart. The manager threw me out. I gave him a lobotomy with my cock. I mean come on who throws God out? Of a fucking Walmart none the less! Seriously you got white collard trash in there stealing snicker bars and cokes and because I piss on myself you throw me out? Eat a dick Walmart! What the fuck is your question by the way Billy?

BM: My name is Byson.

God: That’s Irrelevant.

BM: Okay, like I said everyone who believes in a deity would like this question answered. Suicide. Do people that kill themselves go to heaven?

God: Fuck no. If you are going to punk out like that then go to hell you stupid fuck. Really spare me the pity party you worthless fucks. Killing yourself when I think you’re a useless fuck you go to hell where there are endless loops of Britney Spears tracks playing.

(At this point in the interview God began yawning and fell asleep. Not sure if should wake him, I got up from my chair and he jumped up yelling and screaming “SUCK MY GENATALS YOU RUSSIN MOTHER FUCKERS!” After apologizing several times he warned me to never wear red again.)

BM: I’m wearing a green shirt and black pants.

God: Yeah that to.

BM: Ok, your thoughts on murder.

God: If you’re going to do it at least make it interesting like Dexter does on Show time. I hate people who murder because they can’t help themselves. Grow up you fucking pansies. Just because your Uncle gave you countless hand jobs while watching the Smurfs doesn’t give you the right to kill people. What gives you the right? Fuckers who eat too much. Kill those fat bastards.

BM: So do you have any quotes you live life by?

God: I live by the three P’s. Pussy, Parties, and cocaine.

BM: Isn’t cocaine spelled with a c?

God: Maybe for you.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT PART OF THE INTERVIEW.

The Immaculate Theory

God decided to write a short theory for all of you out there in Internet land. The following writing is not for the weak at heart or the over religious types such as Catholics, Tom Cruise or Oprah Winfrey. If you find the almighty deity God to be offensive then please read no further. You have been warned..

I wanted to write something. Not sure what just put some thought on paper. Honestly I fucking hate doing this. I really hate writing to people. I usually get a bunch of questions from whiney fags that complain about my points of view. So to all those out there who enjoy this reading, send me a virgin so I can taint the little whore if you are offend by this… go suck a giraffe’s cock.

I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want fat people in heaven. Deal with it you over weight fuckers who knock Jerry’s kids out the way at your all you can eat buffets. You deserve diabetes and hell. Fat people are really fucking gross. They smell like stale sausage and are very greasy. It’s like they sweat vegetable oil and lard. They can’t go a minute without needing to eat. Honestly I don’t think I have enough food in heaven for those porkers. Sorry fat fucks, you get no wings in eternity, you’d probably just dip them in buffalo sauce and eat them with pizza. And while I’m on the subject I just thought I’d make it very clear as to who doesn’t fit the bill. So here is a simple list with a brief explanation as to why these mother fuckers won’t make into eternal bliss:

1. Mall Santa’s – honestly these fucker spread false hope and spread lies like hookers spread the clap on payday at a shipyard. Truthfully I spread a bunch of lies myself. Hello, the Koran but this takes it to another level.
2. The inventors of the Smart Car – these fuckers deserve it based on the wretched design alone. I’ll let fags in but as for people who make fag cars, you burn in hell.
3. Muslims – There pretty much a useless people. You’re not gangsters for God.
4. Christians – I think this one is pretty much self-explanatory.

As for some that make it into heaven, well the obvious answer is porn stars. And not just any porn star female porn stars. Good looking porn stars. Bitches like Jenna Haze, Carmen Luvana, or Stormy Daniels will make it easily. They are hot and fuck for money. They are good stewards of the bodies I gave them. As for male porn stars you get a pass if you fucked one these all other…it’s a maybe. To put it simply, I fucking love hot women. I can’t get enough of pussy. The more used the better. Shit I can’t get AIDS so fuck it I’m going to play the field like Aaron Rodgers played the Steelers defense. By the way Ben Roethlisberger you know what you did.

Honestly no one is guaranteed heaven with me. It all really depends on my fucking mood for the day. I’ve been known to throw nuns out just because they dodged my cum. Seriously bitch you never dodge the immaculate semen. When God drops a wad you lick it up like syrup. ( I made that up.) But seriously the above mention porn stars make it to heaven. Along with the Suicide Girls.